About This Shirt

Four score and seven beers ago our fathers brought forth on this Windy City of Chicago, a new reason to binge drink, conceived in the luck of the Irish, and dedicated to the proposition that all drunkards are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great day of drinking, testing whether that liver, or any liver so conceived and so dedicated to consuming Guinness, Jameson, and pint after pint of green beer, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of Chicago, as a final resting place for those livers who here gave their lives that that group of drunks might get hammered and puke at a bus stop. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this excessive drinking.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this bar. The brave men, living and dead, who drank here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here because it is slurred, because it is overtly sexual, because it is unintelligible, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished drinking which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored drunks we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these drunkards shall not have passed out and had penises drawn on their faces in Sharpie in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of drinking -- and that the boozing of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

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